Thursday, June 8, 2017

When I Grow Up

Whoa, holy smokes I’m alive.  I don’t’ even know if blogging is a thing anymore because I think insta-stories have taken over but gosh I needed somewhere to go and process my thoughts. 

I’m 28 and I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up or so I thought.  Growing up it’s like the big thing adults ask you, for a long time I really wanted to be a chef.  At the age of 14 I got a job bussing at a local fine dining restaurant in my hometown and worked my way up to her side kick in the kitchen.  I worked beside the head chef and owner and she really took me under her wing, which I’m very grateful for.  In high school I took culinary arts class because I wanted to learn as much about cooking as I could.  To this day I don’t think I have immersed myself or had passion for anything like this again.  I really truly did love it and it really had been the one thing I stuck with the longest.  I tended to be one of those people who tried a little bit of this and a little bit of that.

I don’t know what happened but in the middle of applying to college I decided not to apply to culinary schools.  To this day I don’t know why I decided to change.  The only thing I can think of is I knew it was going to take a lot of work and long hours to be what I wanted to be and maybe that scared the shit out of me.  I always had it in my head that in the future when I had a family it would take me away from them because of the hours and to me family time was far more important. Looking back I chickened out, I mean straight up.  I was scared to fail and I let me self-down by giving up and talked myself out of it.  My husband brought up something that really stuck with me the other day, I have an excuse for everything and he’s so damn right it’s not even funny.  I constantly make up excuses for why I don’t want to do this or do that.  I think a lot of it is because I lack confidence in myself.  I’m truly my own worst critic and it’s pushing me away from a lot of opportunities.   

Since then I’ve toyed with the idea of working in hospitality, outdoor recreation (which is what my degree is in) and nursing.  I’ve been an education leader, server, assistant at a chiropractic office, receptionist at an architectural firm, certified nursing assistant, which I never got a job with because I got a position at my current job as a Post Office Clerk.  I admit it, I job hop because I’m simply just not interested in any of these jobs.  They are just something to pay the bills with and that’s it.  There’s no feeling of fulfillment, excitement or pride.

I feel at this point it’s too late for me to go back to college.  I know I know another excuse.  But I’ve got college debt that I’m sure I’ll still be paying on for the next 100 years and it scares the crap out of me to add even more debt.

So now what?  Yea, that’s the big question that I still have no clue how to answer.  I rack my brain every damn day and it scares me how fast it’s all going.  If you ask me if I could go back I’d 100 percent go to culinary school.  It’s what I should have done all along.   Maybe if the right opportunity and funds come my way I’ll open up a cute little restaurant in my town for all the foodies with an outdoor patio and all.  My town seriously lacks the small local restaurants and is being swallowed up by chains and fast food galore, which just absolutely pains me.  

Wish me luck to growing some balls I mean courage and gaining some motivation.  I know it’s cliché but it’s true, life passes us in the blink of an eye and I don’t want to have any more regrets for not trying something.  So maybe I have known along what I want to be when I grow up I just fought it for so long because I was scared. 

Mind blown.