Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Choose Happiness Even When Life Straight Up Sucks

To sum it up it's been a rough year.  It's been particularly difficult for many reasons, especially the last few months.  I struggled with turning 25, I know this seems minimal in the grand scheme of things but it effected me a lot.  I felt as though I was far from where I thought I would be by that age.  It just really brought me down.  Does setting goals and plans end up actually hurting you in the long wrong?  This is something that I struggle with.  I like to plan and I always felt it was good to strive for things and to be better but what if you don't meet those expectations? I guess my answer to that is to just pick your self back up and try again and remember that age isn't really that big of a deal.

It's been a rough year because I found myself unhappy with my career path and I wouldn't even call it a career but rather a job.  Sitting at a desk on my damn ass all day went against everything that I wanted for myself.  I knew in college that I had other plans for myself.  So why was a settling?  I may not be the biggest career driven person, okay actually far from it but I do what to spend my days feeling purposeful and challenged.  When those needs aren't met you're in for disaster.  So maybe losing my job mid September wasn't the worst of things it also wasn't the best.  It's been hard financially especially during the holidays and on my relationship.   Seriously try having no human interaction for 40 hours a week and then when your boyfriend comes home you can't help but be stuck up his butt.  Yea I would be annoyed by me too. Glad I figured that one out pretty quickly.  But all those things have also proven to make me and my relationship stronger.  At the end of the day it's worth it.  Who knows how long I would have stayed in my previous job if it never shut down.  Now, it has forced me to really dig inside my brain and search for something that fulfills my needs.  It's still a process and it might take me a little longer but now that I know what needs to happen I know it will.  

It's been a rough year because someone has come into my family and since day 1 has tried to rip my family apart one by one.  I mentioned some of this vaguely in some posts over the summer.  It really boggles me that someone would want to do that and then to actually go out of their way to try to succeed at it.  And she's done a pretty good job.  She's also brought out a lot of things that I am not proud of.  I wish things could be different and maybe one day but to be honest I don't see it happening soon.  My family has been tested and gone through a lot through the years but at the end of the day we stayed strong as a family.  I can't really say that thought right now.  It's sad for so many reasons.  I hurt. My family hurts. I missed my brothers wedding because of it, as did numerous members of my family and he'll never get that day back.  I wish it wasn't this way, trust me.  I hope that one day I will find forgiveness and we can move forward but I can't right now.  If my brother is reading this, please know that I love you with all my heart.

It's been a rough year because Philips mom is sick.  Something that non of us expected and to find out right before christmas makes it 10x worse.  It's been hard.  It really puts things in perspective.  I haven't really known someone close to me who has been sick before.  To be honest I'm not really sure what the heck I'm supposed to do.  What I am doing is trying to be the best support system for Phil, whether that's trying to put a smile on his face or being a tissue.  I'm there for whatever he needs.  In general I'm trying to be positive and get everyone's mind off the scary stuff.  That's what I know how to do.  I'm hopeful for a cure and that Phil and his family will fight through this.  They are so strong both as a family and individually so I can't help but to be positive that everything is going to be okay.

So ya, life can stuck sometimes and it can test you mentally, emotionally and physically.  It can strip you down and break you. It will test you and your relationship with others. It's easy to get caught in the bad, negative mojo.

I was catching up with a girlfriend and filling her in on some things and she says "when it rains it pours."  You aren't kidding.  We can choose to let these things bring us down and control us or we can find happiness even when life doesn't go our way.  One thing I have learned is that life has other plans far from our control.  I choose to spend my days happy and smiling as much as I can and to take life one day at a time, to complain little and to appreciate the things and people in my life and to come.  Yea, a lot of crappy things have happened this year but what about all the good things, the new friendships made, new and exciting experiences, places we traveled to, the extra time I have had with Dragon, and the unforgettable memories?  Sure, I get sad, pissed off, hurt, confused, it makes me human but I choose happiness before all of that.

Here's to becoming a stronger version of myself from the lessons I've learned and have yet to learn from both the bumpy and sunshine moments of life. 

To think that this whole post started with taking a picture with Dragon and catching myself smiling.

Thursday, December 11, 2014


Testing, testing, 1-2-3.  Wow, I honestly didn't expect to be gone for so long.  I knew I needed to spend some time focusing on what it was I wanted to do with my life, its a big decision or something.  I've tried to write a few times but to be honest I just wasn't into it and couldn't find any words to write.  I figured after a few failed attempts and only a blank screen to show for, it was just time to walk away for a little bit. Not to mention, it's not the easiest thing to put yourself out there for everyone to judge.
Tonight, after months of silence I opened my blogger and actual words and sentences started flowing. So, i'm totally going with it.  I have no idea where this post is going to go, so we all will be equally as surprised.  I guess I could start with its been a roller coaster of a few months.  I know last time I wrote, I wasn't in the best of places and felt completely lost with who I was and where I was going.  I was scared of going through life not enjoying how I spent a majority of my days.  And heck i'm still scared. Work shouldn't have to be miserable and what I have learned is that I can no longer be a Administrative Assistant.  For me, it's boring and I was so unchallenged.  It made me feel bad about myself because I felt like I wasn't doing anything fulfilling and went against everything that I believed in.  I went to school and graduated with a degree in Outdoor Recreation.  I didn't want to have that 9-5 desk job, answering phones and sitting all day long.  

I am still unemployed and friends its rough, especially with the holidays. The good news is I am in the process of receiving my certification to be a nursing assistant. It's not the most glamorous job by any means. I mean I'm wiping butts but I really feel like this is a good fit for me.  I get to be helping others, on my feet, challenged and could potentially lead to more. Heck I may even go back to school to become a LPN or a nurse.  Who am I?  I really excited about this new career move and can't wait to see where this goes. 

These past few months have really tested my relationship.  It's stressful for me and Phil because I have to depend on him more until I find a job.  With relationships though each individual goes through ups and downs and at the end of the day it's about being there for one another.  We had are arguments for sure but this has made us stronger and better than ever.  My love truly grows for him every day.  I know super mushy but what else would you expect from me?

I could really use some prayers or positive thoughts as my boyfriends family has just received some really crappy news that starts with the C word.  I don't really want to over share but the more positive vibes we have the better.  So in advanced I and his family really appreciate it.

Let's see what else I can throw at you since its been way too long? How about some pictures?  Okay, yes because I want to leave you all on a good note.

For all those who stuck around, thank you  and thanks for being so understanding.