Thursday, June 8, 2017

When I Grow Up

Whoa, holy smokes I’m alive.  I don’t’ even know if blogging is a thing anymore because I think insta-stories have taken over but gosh I needed somewhere to go and process my thoughts. 

I’m 28 and I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up or so I thought.  Growing up it’s like the big thing adults ask you, for a long time I really wanted to be a chef.  At the age of 14 I got a job bussing at a local fine dining restaurant in my hometown and worked my way up to her side kick in the kitchen.  I worked beside the head chef and owner and she really took me under her wing, which I’m very grateful for.  In high school I took culinary arts class because I wanted to learn as much about cooking as I could.  To this day I don’t think I have immersed myself or had passion for anything like this again.  I really truly did love it and it really had been the one thing I stuck with the longest.  I tended to be one of those people who tried a little bit of this and a little bit of that.

I don’t know what happened but in the middle of applying to college I decided not to apply to culinary schools.  To this day I don’t know why I decided to change.  The only thing I can think of is I knew it was going to take a lot of work and long hours to be what I wanted to be and maybe that scared the shit out of me.  I always had it in my head that in the future when I had a family it would take me away from them because of the hours and to me family time was far more important. Looking back I chickened out, I mean straight up.  I was scared to fail and I let me self-down by giving up and talked myself out of it.  My husband brought up something that really stuck with me the other day, I have an excuse for everything and he’s so damn right it’s not even funny.  I constantly make up excuses for why I don’t want to do this or do that.  I think a lot of it is because I lack confidence in myself.  I’m truly my own worst critic and it’s pushing me away from a lot of opportunities.   

Since then I’ve toyed with the idea of working in hospitality, outdoor recreation (which is what my degree is in) and nursing.  I’ve been an education leader, server, assistant at a chiropractic office, receptionist at an architectural firm, certified nursing assistant, which I never got a job with because I got a position at my current job as a Post Office Clerk.  I admit it, I job hop because I’m simply just not interested in any of these jobs.  They are just something to pay the bills with and that’s it.  There’s no feeling of fulfillment, excitement or pride.

I feel at this point it’s too late for me to go back to college.  I know I know another excuse.  But I’ve got college debt that I’m sure I’ll still be paying on for the next 100 years and it scares the crap out of me to add even more debt.

So now what?  Yea, that’s the big question that I still have no clue how to answer.  I rack my brain every damn day and it scares me how fast it’s all going.  If you ask me if I could go back I’d 100 percent go to culinary school.  It’s what I should have done all along.   Maybe if the right opportunity and funds come my way I’ll open up a cute little restaurant in my town for all the foodies with an outdoor patio and all.  My town seriously lacks the small local restaurants and is being swallowed up by chains and fast food galore, which just absolutely pains me.  

Wish me luck to growing some balls I mean courage and gaining some motivation.  I know it’s cliché but it’s true, life passes us in the blink of an eye and I don’t want to have any more regrets for not trying something.  So maybe I have known along what I want to be when I grow up I just fought it for so long because I was scared. 

Mind blown. 

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Choose Happiness Even When Life Straight Up Sucks

To sum it up it's been a rough year.  It's been particularly difficult for many reasons, especially the last few months.  I struggled with turning 25, I know this seems minimal in the grand scheme of things but it effected me a lot.  I felt as though I was far from where I thought I would be by that age.  It just really brought me down.  Does setting goals and plans end up actually hurting you in the long wrong?  This is something that I struggle with.  I like to plan and I always felt it was good to strive for things and to be better but what if you don't meet those expectations? I guess my answer to that is to just pick your self back up and try again and remember that age isn't really that big of a deal.

It's been a rough year because I found myself unhappy with my career path and I wouldn't even call it a career but rather a job.  Sitting at a desk on my damn ass all day went against everything that I wanted for myself.  I knew in college that I had other plans for myself.  So why was a settling?  I may not be the biggest career driven person, okay actually far from it but I do what to spend my days feeling purposeful and challenged.  When those needs aren't met you're in for disaster.  So maybe losing my job mid September wasn't the worst of things it also wasn't the best.  It's been hard financially especially during the holidays and on my relationship.   Seriously try having no human interaction for 40 hours a week and then when your boyfriend comes home you can't help but be stuck up his butt.  Yea I would be annoyed by me too. Glad I figured that one out pretty quickly.  But all those things have also proven to make me and my relationship stronger.  At the end of the day it's worth it.  Who knows how long I would have stayed in my previous job if it never shut down.  Now, it has forced me to really dig inside my brain and search for something that fulfills my needs.  It's still a process and it might take me a little longer but now that I know what needs to happen I know it will.  

It's been a rough year because someone has come into my family and since day 1 has tried to rip my family apart one by one.  I mentioned some of this vaguely in some posts over the summer.  It really boggles me that someone would want to do that and then to actually go out of their way to try to succeed at it.  And she's done a pretty good job.  She's also brought out a lot of things that I am not proud of.  I wish things could be different and maybe one day but to be honest I don't see it happening soon.  My family has been tested and gone through a lot through the years but at the end of the day we stayed strong as a family.  I can't really say that thought right now.  It's sad for so many reasons.  I hurt. My family hurts. I missed my brothers wedding because of it, as did numerous members of my family and he'll never get that day back.  I wish it wasn't this way, trust me.  I hope that one day I will find forgiveness and we can move forward but I can't right now.  If my brother is reading this, please know that I love you with all my heart.

It's been a rough year because Philips mom is sick.  Something that non of us expected and to find out right before christmas makes it 10x worse.  It's been hard.  It really puts things in perspective.  I haven't really known someone close to me who has been sick before.  To be honest I'm not really sure what the heck I'm supposed to do.  What I am doing is trying to be the best support system for Phil, whether that's trying to put a smile on his face or being a tissue.  I'm there for whatever he needs.  In general I'm trying to be positive and get everyone's mind off the scary stuff.  That's what I know how to do.  I'm hopeful for a cure and that Phil and his family will fight through this.  They are so strong both as a family and individually so I can't help but to be positive that everything is going to be okay.

So ya, life can stuck sometimes and it can test you mentally, emotionally and physically.  It can strip you down and break you. It will test you and your relationship with others. It's easy to get caught in the bad, negative mojo.

I was catching up with a girlfriend and filling her in on some things and she says "when it rains it pours."  You aren't kidding.  We can choose to let these things bring us down and control us or we can find happiness even when life doesn't go our way.  One thing I have learned is that life has other plans far from our control.  I choose to spend my days happy and smiling as much as I can and to take life one day at a time, to complain little and to appreciate the things and people in my life and to come.  Yea, a lot of crappy things have happened this year but what about all the good things, the new friendships made, new and exciting experiences, places we traveled to, the extra time I have had with Dragon, and the unforgettable memories?  Sure, I get sad, pissed off, hurt, confused, it makes me human but I choose happiness before all of that.

Here's to becoming a stronger version of myself from the lessons I've learned and have yet to learn from both the bumpy and sunshine moments of life. 

To think that this whole post started with taking a picture with Dragon and catching myself smiling.

Thursday, December 11, 2014


Testing, testing, 1-2-3.  Wow, I honestly didn't expect to be gone for so long.  I knew I needed to spend some time focusing on what it was I wanted to do with my life, its a big decision or something.  I've tried to write a few times but to be honest I just wasn't into it and couldn't find any words to write.  I figured after a few failed attempts and only a blank screen to show for, it was just time to walk away for a little bit. Not to mention, it's not the easiest thing to put yourself out there for everyone to judge.
Tonight, after months of silence I opened my blogger and actual words and sentences started flowing. So, i'm totally going with it.  I have no idea where this post is going to go, so we all will be equally as surprised.  I guess I could start with its been a roller coaster of a few months.  I know last time I wrote, I wasn't in the best of places and felt completely lost with who I was and where I was going.  I was scared of going through life not enjoying how I spent a majority of my days.  And heck i'm still scared. Work shouldn't have to be miserable and what I have learned is that I can no longer be a Administrative Assistant.  For me, it's boring and I was so unchallenged.  It made me feel bad about myself because I felt like I wasn't doing anything fulfilling and went against everything that I believed in.  I went to school and graduated with a degree in Outdoor Recreation.  I didn't want to have that 9-5 desk job, answering phones and sitting all day long.  

I am still unemployed and friends its rough, especially with the holidays. The good news is I am in the process of receiving my certification to be a nursing assistant. It's not the most glamorous job by any means. I mean I'm wiping butts but I really feel like this is a good fit for me.  I get to be helping others, on my feet, challenged and could potentially lead to more. Heck I may even go back to school to become a LPN or a nurse.  Who am I?  I really excited about this new career move and can't wait to see where this goes. 

These past few months have really tested my relationship.  It's stressful for me and Phil because I have to depend on him more until I find a job.  With relationships though each individual goes through ups and downs and at the end of the day it's about being there for one another.  We had are arguments for sure but this has made us stronger and better than ever.  My love truly grows for him every day.  I know super mushy but what else would you expect from me?

I could really use some prayers or positive thoughts as my boyfriends family has just received some really crappy news that starts with the C word.  I don't really want to over share but the more positive vibes we have the better.  So in advanced I and his family really appreciate it.

Let's see what else I can throw at you since its been way too long? How about some pictures?  Okay, yes because I want to leave you all on a good note.

For all those who stuck around, thank you  and thanks for being so understanding.

Monday, October 6, 2014

At A Low.

I've completely neglected this blog of mine.  To be honest, lately it just seems so hard.  I can't seem to find any words to fill the page and haven't felt inspired by anything.  I've been keeping a secret but I just can't hold it in anymore and I'm just hoping that letting it out will help get me out of this crummy funk.  

I lost my job. 

Yup.  I lost my job that I was so excited for because I would no longer have to spend two hours in the car anymore.  I got home before 4:30, which gave me oodles and oodles of time to play on week nights.  It was a job I didn't feel so drained after.  It wasn't my dream job or anything that gave me fireworks but it was working for the time being.

This said job is now gone.  And it's not just gone for me, its gone for 140 employees supporting themselves and their families.  It just makes me all sorts of sad. The company that I only worked at for a month and a half just suddenly closed it's doors for financial reasons.  It was a complete shock for everyone and the community because it provided many jobs for the county.

Losing a job has its perks and all but it isn't all that it's cracked up to be.  I've been beating myself up over it and I don't know why since it wasn't like I got fired or anything but for some reason I still feel like a total loser.  It's a good day when I shower and it's a even better day when I put make up on and walk out of the house.  I'm frustrated, discouraged and depressed.  Though, I'm slowly coming out of my depression thanks to friends and family I'm still not myself.  I'm frustrated and discouraged because finding a job in this town that I live in is not easy, especially finding one that is decent paying.  

On the upside I've been getting to spend lots of quality time with my pups and they love having their mom home.  And when I feel like getting off the couch or take a break from looking/applying for jobs I get some things done around the house that I have been too busy to do in the past. 

Among everything else this weekend I also lost my Grandma Ginna.  Ginna is my mom's partners mother.  She's been very good to me and am so happy I was able to spend time with her.  I went back to upstate New York right before I lost my job and I was able to see her and say goodbye.  She was declining quickly at the time and we all weren't sure how much time she had.  At first she didn't know who I was but by the end of it she grabbed by hand and held it tight and told me she loved me.  I knew then that realized who I was and it just was one of those special moments. It's never easy to say goodbye to anyone but the only thing that makes it all better is knowing that she is no longer suffering and is in her happy place.  Love you Ginna.

So thanks for those that have stuck around these blog of mine even though I've been completely MIA.  I'm hoping to make more of an effort to write and to get out of the house and feel human again. xoxo

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

New Look + New Photos

Guys, I'm obsessed with the new look of the blog.  I just can't stop starring. Isn't she pretty? The sidebar is my favorite part of the whole new look. I can't thank my bestest enough for this awesome new design.  This girl seriously just gets me. Erin - Picture me right now on my roof screaming THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

I switch back and forth between welcoming change and shooing it away and in this case I welcome the change.  It's a good feeling to get a fresh look and I thought now was the perfect time as summer gets tucked away and the sweaters and boots get brought out from our closets.  
I can't remember if I've told you all that I have been taking a Photography class or not, so for those that don't know, I'm taking a photography class.  I'm really taking an interest in this whole thing and I've got big dreams for taking this to some other level in the future.  I know I've got a long way to go but it's the first thing that I have felt passionate about in a long time.  If I've learned anything in my 25 years of life it's that passion = happiness. So I'm going to keep perusing what makes me happy! It's been fun getting to mess with different settings, try new angles and get different pictures.  My pups usually tend to be my test subjects but I'm totally okay with that.  

Here's some of my favorites that I have taken the past couple of weeks. 

Most of these are shot in apature priority, which is my favorite setting to get that blur effect in my pictures. Anyone else love shooting in apature?

Peace & Love Friends!

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Warrior Dash Recap

I've been stressing over this Warrior Dash that I signed up for because I had been nervous about not being physically fit enough for it.  Seriously, I invested in a trainer and everything because I wanted to be prepared. Race day I woke up around 7:30 to get myself up and moving.  I have been sick since Tuesday and was still feeling a bit under the weather.  Needless to say I wasn't all that thrilled, especially since it had rain and colder weather on the forecast.  I feel awful but I dragged Phil along with me, even though he was sick too and now I feel really bad about it.  I should have made him stay home because he was feeling worse than I was.  

When we got there I met up with my friend Megan, she was all sorts of amped up so that got me feeling a little better about the whole race.  When I walked into the entrance I smelled bacon and my mouth was watering.  I had forgot my signed waiver at home but they had a few tables set up and was easily able to fill one out quickly.  The packet pick up area went smoothly, I just showed my ID and they gave me everything I needed and the best part was I didn't wait in any lines.  The packet included the race bib, a ticket for a free beer after the race, a t-shirt and a warrior hat.

It was a little after 10:45 at this point so we decided to get in line for the 11 o'clock heat.  I gave Philip a kiss goodbye and he went back to the car to study for his GMAT test coming up.  I hadn't seen Megan in quite sometime, we used to work together when I was living in Indy so it was great to catch up.  It had rained the night before as well as briefly in the morning.  The course was extremely slippery and muddy.  The first mile and half was all woods and running.  Well I should say I tried to run because if you've ever run in mud piles you will totally understand where I am coming from.  I looked like a drunk llama.  It was fun though because I can't remember the last time I had some good fun in some mud.  

After the first water break we finally hit an obstacle, which required crawling under barbed wire then it was back to running more in the woods.  I didn't wear a watch so I don't know how far in we were till we hit our next obstacle that was multiple mud piles that you had to climb and then had to slide down into muddy water.  Quickly after was another obstacle and this one was probably the most challenging one. That being said, their was a god awful line.  We seriously waited at least 30 minutes and looking back I wish we would have skipped it because it wasn't really worth spending 30 minutes waiting in a line.  I thought I would have had some difficulty with it but I was able to climb up it rather easily.  

The last mile they basically put all the obstacles together.  I would have liked more in the beginning.  My favorite was the second to last obstacle.  You had to climb a rope wall, walk across a board that was high off the ground and then you slid down into a muddy pool of water. 

My least favorite was the mud slid because I ended up getting a wedgie and flashed some poor little innocent 12 year old behind me. Haha so yea a few people got an extra show that day.  Oops.

Overall I thought the course was actually pretty easy.    The same obstacles that were on the webite were not actually at this particular course.  Those looked far more challenging.  I was pretty bummed about it actually that it wasn't more difficult.  I think the lines had at a lot of the obstacles also aided in it not being as challenging because we weren't continuously active the whole time.  They had a few giant hoses and an area in a pond to wash off all the mud.  The hose water was freezing and had it been a nice day it would have felt good but I was already cold.  They only had porta potties to change and I was not going to change in one of those poop infested boxes.  I decided to grab my free beer dripping wet and cold.  Oh and I had mud in places no mud should ever touch. I ended up changing outside the car while Philly held up a towel.  It was not ideal but sometimes you gotta do what ya gotta do.  If you end up doing one of these bring extra clothes and shoes to change into as well a few plastic bags to put the muddy clothes into.  

Is anyone else a warrior dasher? What was your experience?

Thursday, August 21, 2014

My Crazy Life

My gosh, I don't even know where to begin, seeing as I have been completely missing in action for far too long.  So much has been going on lately, I'm just not sure where to start. 

Last time I posted, which feels like FOREVER ago I shared with you my Part 1 visit from my Mom's visit.  Part 2 will be coming up any day now because I know you are just dying to know all about the fun we had.  Okay, maybe that's just me that's excited.  

Anyways moving on, so I guess I will start first with I left my job as a Receptionist/Project Admin Assistant at the Architectural Firm.  To be honest I was bitter sweet about the whole thing.  In some way I was sad to leave some great co-workers, as well as I had some pretty great benefits. On the other hand I was driving two hours every day (10 hours a week) and we had been really slow for a while, which means I'm super slow.  It was time to make a change and it's something that I had been thinking about for awhile.  The drive was really just wearing me out and I believe it was a big reason for my lack of motivation and energy that I have been experiencing.  

I decided to take a week off before my new job started, pretty lucky it worked out that way. Phil and I went out of town for a long weekend to St. Louis and I will recap this soon because it was such a good time.  I don't want to forget the great memories we shared together.  So also stayed tuned for that.  

The rest of the week off was spent doing various things.  And I can't believe how fast it all went by.  I went to a YPO (Young Presidents Organization) get together with Phil and went out to dinner afterwards with friends.  

On Thursday I went for lunch down in Indy with my old roomie Amy.  It was so great to catch up with her because it has been such a long time.  The server even talked us into taking a Mystery shot, also known as The Orgy.  It was pretty awful if I do say, but we had a Summer Shandy to help wash that god awful shot down.  

Afterwards I met up with Car and Mel.  Marci, Mel and myself had been secretly putting together a little surprise gathering for Car's birthday.  First we headed to get some Bubble Tea and also went to Mel's tattoo appointment.  I actually had her tattoo guy look at a tattoo of mine that I wanted to see if he could either fix the poor thing or somehow cover it.  NEVER GET A TATTOO THAT YOU DIDN'T EVEN LIKE THE TRACE OFF. I really don't know what I was thinking, anyways that's for another day.  Afterwards we went to Brother's in Broadripple for Mug Night.  If you had a Mug from Brothers, Beers and mixed drinks were 2 bucks.  Yes please.  

During the vodka and lemonade and an appetizer I got a call from my boyfriend that the Police had my wallet.  I thought it was a sick joke and he was playing a p on me but that wasn't the case. So great, I didn't have my ID or my money.  I can't tell you how many times this stuff happens to me. Where is my brain sometimes?  Don't answer that.   It ended up being a blessing because Marci, Car and I could run and go get it and Mel could go set up the drinks and snacks for Car's Birthday.  

The best part of the night was taking goofy photos and going for a night swim.  I don't think I have jumped into a pool that many times in my life.  We may or may not have gone topless in the pool, but i'm going to keep my lips sealed on that one.  I of course was the first one to pass out while watchinf a movie.  I blame my mother because she does the same thing.  

Friday afternoon and Saturday was spend at my brothers.  Spending much needed time with them.  My nephew has me completely wrapped around his finger, the bond that I have for him is like no other.  My little niece is such a little princess. It adorable watching her play with her doll house and spin around and dance.  The both just melt my heart. 

Later that night I headed back home and the boyfriend and I went over to our friends house for a BBQ and bonfire.  I was responsible for starting the fire, after all I do have an Outdoor Recreation Degree and have spent many  times starting camp fires. Sadly, I haven't gone camping in two years and I was feeling the pressure to get a bomb diggity fire going.  I was damn proud of myself because it all came flooding back to me and I had a great fire going in a short time.  Success.  

Lastly, this week I started my new job at a Manufacturing company as the Administrative Assistant.  It's only been three-ish days but what I am loving so far is the 15-18ish minute drive. I can't tell you how flipping nice it is too be home before 4:30.  I feel like I have a whole other life now.  

When I start getting into my new routine hopefully I will have a better hold of this little space of mine. Until then just bare with me and know that I'm not disappearing from these parts. And my goodness you have lots coming your way.  So be excited!