Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Choose Happiness Even When Life Straight Up Sucks

To sum it up it's been a rough year.  It's been particularly difficult for many reasons, especially the last few months.  I struggled with turning 25, I know this seems minimal in the grand scheme of things but it effected me a lot.  I felt as though I was far from where I thought I would be by that age.  It just really brought me down.  Does setting goals and plans end up actually hurting you in the long wrong?  This is something that I struggle with.  I like to plan and I always felt it was good to strive for things and to be better but what if you don't meet those expectations? I guess my answer to that is to just pick your self back up and try again and remember that age isn't really that big of a deal.

It's been a rough year because I found myself unhappy with my career path and I wouldn't even call it a career but rather a job.  Sitting at a desk on my damn ass all day went against everything that I wanted for myself.  I knew in college that I had other plans for myself.  So why was a settling?  I may not be the biggest career driven person, okay actually far from it but I do what to spend my days feeling purposeful and challenged.  When those needs aren't met you're in for disaster.  So maybe losing my job mid September wasn't the worst of things it also wasn't the best.  It's been hard financially especially during the holidays and on my relationship.   Seriously try having no human interaction for 40 hours a week and then when your boyfriend comes home you can't help but be stuck up his butt.  Yea I would be annoyed by me too. Glad I figured that one out pretty quickly.  But all those things have also proven to make me and my relationship stronger.  At the end of the day it's worth it.  Who knows how long I would have stayed in my previous job if it never shut down.  Now, it has forced me to really dig inside my brain and search for something that fulfills my needs.  It's still a process and it might take me a little longer but now that I know what needs to happen I know it will.  

It's been a rough year because someone has come into my family and since day 1 has tried to rip my family apart one by one.  I mentioned some of this vaguely in some posts over the summer.  It really boggles me that someone would want to do that and then to actually go out of their way to try to succeed at it.  And she's done a pretty good job.  She's also brought out a lot of things that I am not proud of.  I wish things could be different and maybe one day but to be honest I don't see it happening soon.  My family has been tested and gone through a lot through the years but at the end of the day we stayed strong as a family.  I can't really say that thought right now.  It's sad for so many reasons.  I hurt. My family hurts. I missed my brothers wedding because of it, as did numerous members of my family and he'll never get that day back.  I wish it wasn't this way, trust me.  I hope that one day I will find forgiveness and we can move forward but I can't right now.  If my brother is reading this, please know that I love you with all my heart.

It's been a rough year because Philips mom is sick.  Something that non of us expected and to find out right before christmas makes it 10x worse.  It's been hard.  It really puts things in perspective.  I haven't really known someone close to me who has been sick before.  To be honest I'm not really sure what the heck I'm supposed to do.  What I am doing is trying to be the best support system for Phil, whether that's trying to put a smile on his face or being a tissue.  I'm there for whatever he needs.  In general I'm trying to be positive and get everyone's mind off the scary stuff.  That's what I know how to do.  I'm hopeful for a cure and that Phil and his family will fight through this.  They are so strong both as a family and individually so I can't help but to be positive that everything is going to be okay.

So ya, life can stuck sometimes and it can test you mentally, emotionally and physically.  It can strip you down and break you. It will test you and your relationship with others. It's easy to get caught in the bad, negative mojo.

I was catching up with a girlfriend and filling her in on some things and she says "when it rains it pours."  You aren't kidding.  We can choose to let these things bring us down and control us or we can find happiness even when life doesn't go our way.  One thing I have learned is that life has other plans far from our control.  I choose to spend my days happy and smiling as much as I can and to take life one day at a time, to complain little and to appreciate the things and people in my life and to come.  Yea, a lot of crappy things have happened this year but what about all the good things, the new friendships made, new and exciting experiences, places we traveled to, the extra time I have had with Dragon, and the unforgettable memories?  Sure, I get sad, pissed off, hurt, confused, it makes me human but I choose happiness before all of that.

Here's to becoming a stronger version of myself from the lessons I've learned and have yet to learn from both the bumpy and sunshine moments of life. 

To think that this whole post started with taking a picture with Dragon and catching myself smiling.


  1. Your year has definitely been difficult, and I'm so sorry for the things that you and your family have gone through. I'm happy for all the fun moments we've been able to have along the way to help give moments of laughter in the year. Here's hoping 2015 is better!

  2. I admire your ability to look on the bright side of things and be so open about your struggles recently. My mom is sick, too, so I know how that can be heartbreaking, confusing, and awful. I wish you all the best!

  3. I'm proud of you for maintaining such a positive outlook after such a rough year. :) And to be honest, I FREAKED THE FUCK OUT when I turned 25. We're talking, sobbing uncontrollably and hyperventilating. haha

  4. It has been a rough year for you pretty girl and I'm so sorry for that! I'm so proud of you for keeping your smile and positive outlook most of the time. I know that is not easy. 2015 is going to be better for you, I just know it!

  5. A lot of this post sounds like I could've written it myself. Hopefully 2015 will be a happier year and a fresh start for both of us!

  6. hope 2015 is a better year for you!!

    I will be turning 28 this year and it freaks me out because I am not where I thought I would be either....

    great blog you have!

  7. I'm so sorry for your tough times. I've definitely been there and agree that when it rains, it pours, but also things get worse before they get better. And they will get better. I'll keep you in my thoughts!

    I’m Kayla from a paper arrow. I am a fairly new blogger and was nominated for a “Liebster Award.” I completed my post and have nominated you for the same award! If you’re unsure what a Liebster award is, I’ve explained it in my post here: http://apaperarrow.blogspot.com/2015/03/liebster-award-discover-new-blogs.html. Please feel free to stop by my blog and accept the “award.”
    Thanks so much and have a wonderful day!

  8. I feel your pain. I went thought the same thing on my birthday. Like a knife to the chest that it's supposed to be a happy day, and instead I'm focused on how I feel like I'm falling behind in life compared to everyone else. I saw myself being in a better place than where I am right now. I always thought I had things figured out, and than suddenly one day, everything changed and I didn't know what I wanted to do anymore. Stay positive, take life at your own pace, and look forward to the day that everything will be okay again. I think the best thing you can do for yourself and your brother is to let him know that you're there for him and that you love him. Hope everything turns around for you.