Choose Happiness Even When Life Straight Up Sucks

To sum it up it's been a rough year.  It's been particularly difficult for many reasons, especially the last few months.  I struggled with turning 25, I know this seems minimal in the grand scheme of things but it effected me a lot.  I felt as though I was far from where I thought I would be by that age.  It just really brought me down.  Does setting goals and plans end up actually hurting you in the long wrong?  This is something that I struggle with.  I like to plan and I always felt it was good to strive for things and to be better but what if you don't meet those expectations? I guess my answer to that is to just pick your self back up and try again and remember that age isn't really that big of a deal.

It's been a rough year because I found myself unhappy with my career path and I wouldn't even call it a career but rather a job.  Sitting at a desk on my damn ass all day went against everything that I wanted for myself.  I knew in college that I had other plans for myself.  So why was a settling?  I may not be the biggest career driven person, okay actually far from it but I do what to spend my days feeling purposeful and challenged.  When those needs aren't met you're in for disaster.  So maybe losing my job mid September wasn't the worst of things it also wasn't the best.  It's been hard financially especially during the holidays and on my relationship.   Seriously try having no human interaction for 40 hours a week and then when your boyfriend comes home you can't help but be stuck up his butt.  Yea I would be annoyed by me too. Glad I figured that one out pretty quickly.  But all those things have also proven to make me and my relationship stronger.  At the end of the day it's worth it.  Who knows how long I would have stayed in my previous job if it never shut down.  Now, it has forced me to really dig inside my brain and search for something that fulfills my needs.  It's still a process and it might take me a little longer but now that I know what needs to happen I know it will.  

It's been a rough year because someone has come into my family and since day 1 has tried to rip my family apart one by one.  I mentioned some of this vaguely in some posts over the summer.  It really boggles me that someone would want to do that and then to actually go out of their way to try to succeed at it.  And she's done a pretty good job.  She's also brought out a lot of things that I am not proud of.  I wish things could be different and maybe one day but to be honest I don't see it happening soon.  My family has been tested and gone through a lot through the years but at the end of the day we stayed strong as a family.  I can't really say that thought right now.  It's sad for so many reasons.  I hurt. My family hurts. I missed my brothers wedding because of it, as did numerous members of my family and he'll never get that day back.  I wish it wasn't this way, trust me.  I hope that one day I will find forgiveness and we can move forward but I can't right now.  If my brother is reading this, please know that I love you with all my heart.

It's been a rough year because Philips mom is sick.  Something that non of us expected and to find out right before christmas makes it 10x worse.  It's been hard.  It really puts things in perspective.  I haven't really known someone close to me who has been sick before.  To be honest I'm not really sure what the heck I'm supposed to do.  What I am doing is trying to be the best support system for Phil, whether that's trying to put a smile on his face or being a tissue.  I'm there for whatever he needs.  In general I'm trying to be positive and get everyone's mind off the scary stuff.  That's what I know how to do.  I'm hopeful for a cure and that Phil and his family will fight through this.  They are so strong both as a family and individually so I can't help but to be positive that everything is going to be okay.

So ya, life can stuck sometimes and it can test you mentally, emotionally and physically.  It can strip you down and break you. It will test you and your relationship with others. It's easy to get caught in the bad, negative mojo.

I was catching up with a girlfriend and filling her in on some things and she says "when it rains it pours."  You aren't kidding.  We can choose to let these things bring us down and control us or we can find happiness even when life doesn't go our way.  One thing I have learned is that life has other plans far from our control.  I choose to spend my days happy and smiling as much as I can and to take life one day at a time, to complain little and to appreciate the things and people in my life and to come.  Yea, a lot of crappy things have happened this year but what about all the good things, the new friendships made, new and exciting experiences, places we traveled to, the extra time I have had with Dragon, and the unforgettable memories?  Sure, I get sad, pissed off, hurt, confused, it makes me human but I choose happiness before all of that.

Here's to becoming a stronger version of myself from the lessons I've learned and have yet to learn from both the bumpy and sunshine moments of life. 

To think that this whole post started with taking a picture with Dragon and catching myself smiling.