I live for the weekends. Typically my mood changes once it hits 9:30pm
on a Sunday and I realize that I have to get up in the morning to do that thing
they call work. Needless to say, I’m not
happy to be at that work thing right now.
Maybe it’s because I haven’t found the thing in life that makes me happy
and where I don’t mind getting up in the mornings, spending my day at a job
that I’m so passionate about. I work
because I have to pay my bills. I wish it wasn’t this way. I’m always reminding myself that life is
shorter than we think and I want to spend my time doing things I love. I just don’t know what that is. I never wanted to be one of those people that
worked a 9-5, sitting at a desk all day, in front of a computer, and that is
exactly what I’m doing.
Since I was little I’ve been this
way. I would start something or try something
new and I always, always would end up quitting because I’m like ehhh I don’t
love this. First it was piano, than the clarinet,
then the flute (which was the worst), I even tried singing (this I do enjoy but
unfortunately my voice doesn’t sound like an angel more like something that
would come out of a donkey). I’ve tried the
sports thing including running, basketball, softball, and cheerleading. I love to cook and in high school I went to
culinary arts classes and took a job working alongside a chef for years. I soon realized that it wasn’t something I
wanted to do for a living. Now
what? I love to travel so I tried the
Travel and Tourism Industry in college.
I did very well and even was getting 4.0’s for grades. But as I got closer to deciding which path I
wanted to go, I never had the “this is it” moment.
I wasn’t going to waste any more
time in pursing something I didn’t see myself doing. The next step was to transfer. I’ve always loved the outdoors. I spent my childhood camping, attended summer
camps, was part of an Outdoor Club in HS and just always have loved the nature
and found it to be peaceful. My mind was
thinking, yes this could be it Meghan.
This could be your thing. But to
be honest as much as I loved it I wasn’t doing that well in my classes. I don’t’ classify myself as a shy person but
put me in front of my peers and I can’t remember my flippin name. A big part of Outdoor Recreation and
Leadership is teaching others and speaking in front of trip groups etc. On top of being so nervous about speaking in
front of groups I was having trouble keeping up with the work load.
School work has never come easy for
me and I worked very hard to get the grades that I did. I was so concerned with graduating on time. I
should have taken less classes to actually learn what I needed to do and take
the extra time that I needed so that I understood everything. Instead I just rushed and tried to memorize
things for tests but I wasn’t grasping the whole picture of everything. I graduated but I wasn’t pleased with myself
because I feel like I didn’t take advantage of my education.
My plan had been to intern in
Indiana and make my way out west teaching at risk youths outdoor skills. I’ve always enjoyed helping others and I’m a
big believer in these programs. Sure, I
ended up meeting a guy out here and staying but if I really wanted to do the
out west plan I would have because he had the same degree and interest. But you know what, I was scared as hell. Scared that I wasn’t good enough and that I
wasn’t going to succeed. I had zero confidence in myself and I straight
up gave up. I even had an opportunity to
go to Alaska to become a Park Ranger but I didn’t take it. I broke up with the boyfriend at the time and
this could have been the perfect window to again pursue my dream of going out
west. I had nothing holding me back. Instead I chose to stay. And I’m not sure why, other than the voice in
my head telling me I couldn’t do it. And
I hate that I thought that way about myself.
And I won’t lie, sometimes I
think about how I could be hiking the mountains in Utah and how different my
life could have been. I can’t answer if I regret my decision in not trying and
I can’t answer if that was even what I wanted to do.
I haven’t touched my hiking boots
or anything outdoor related in almost 2 years.
Something I once loved has now become something I just stopped completely,
even for leisure because I thought I wasn’t good enough. To be honest I’m not sure where to go from
here or what I’m supposed to do. It’s
still something I think about. For now,
the best thing I can do is slip back on those boots, tie up those laces and see
where it leads me.
What I do know is that there have
been a lot of great things that have happened since I have chosen to stay, like
falling in love with Phil, starting a blog, being interested in pet
photography, watching my niece and nephew grow, and traveling. And I’m not sure how what was originally intended for a
weekend recap turned into this but that’s what’s so great about this space of
mine.
Has anyone else felt similar?
