When You Don't Feel Good Enough

I live for the weekends.  Typically my mood changes once it hits 9:30pm on a Sunday and I realize that I have to get up in the morning to do that thing they call work.  Needless to say, I’m not happy to be at that work thing right now.  Maybe it’s because I haven’t found the thing in life that makes me happy and where I don’t mind getting up in the mornings, spending my day at a job that I’m so passionate about.  I work because I have to pay my bills.   I wish it wasn’t this way.  I’m always reminding myself that life is shorter than we think and I want to spend my time doing things I love.  I just don’t know what that is.  I never wanted to be one of those people that worked a 9-5, sitting at a desk all day, in front of a computer, and that is exactly what I’m doing.

Since I was little I’ve been this way.  I would start something or try something new and I always, always would end up quitting because I’m like ehhh I don’t love this.  First it was piano, than the clarinet, then the flute (which was the worst), I even tried singing (this I do enjoy but unfortunately my voice doesn’t sound like an angel more like something that would come out of a donkey). I’ve tried the sports thing including running, basketball, softball, and cheerleading.  I love to cook and in high school I went to culinary arts classes and took a job working alongside a chef for years.  I soon realized that it wasn’t something I wanted to do for a living.  Now what?  I love to travel so I tried the Travel and Tourism Industry in college.  I did very well and even was getting 4.0’s for grades.  But as I got closer to deciding which path I wanted to go, I never had the “this is it” moment. 

I wasn’t going to waste any more time in pursing something I didn’t see myself doing.  The next step was to transfer.  I’ve always loved the outdoors.  I spent my childhood camping, attended summer camps, was part of an Outdoor Club in HS and just always have loved the nature and found it to be peaceful.  My mind was thinking, yes this could be it Meghan.  This could be your thing.  But to be honest as much as I loved it I wasn’t doing that well in my classes.  I don’t’ classify myself as a shy person but put me in front of my peers and I can’t remember my flippin name.  A big part of Outdoor Recreation and Leadership is teaching others and speaking in front of trip groups etc.  On top of being so nervous about speaking in front of groups I was having trouble keeping up with the work load. 

School work has never come easy for me and I worked very hard to get the grades that I did.  I was so concerned with graduating on time.   I should have taken less classes to actually learn what I needed to do and take the extra time that I needed so that I understood everything.  Instead I just rushed and tried to memorize things for tests but I wasn’t grasping the whole picture of everything.  I graduated but I wasn’t pleased with myself because I feel like I didn’t take advantage of my education. 

My plan had been to intern in Indiana and make my way out west teaching at risk youths outdoor skills.  I’ve always enjoyed helping others and I’m a big believer in these programs.  Sure, I ended up meeting a guy out here and staying but if I really wanted to do the out west plan I would have because he had the same degree and interest.  But you know what, I was scared as hell.  Scared that I wasn’t good enough and that I wasn’t going to succeed.   I had zero confidence in myself and I straight up gave up.  I even had an opportunity to go to Alaska to become a Park Ranger but I didn’t take it.  I broke up with the boyfriend at the time and this could have been the perfect window to again pursue my dream of going out west.  I had nothing holding me back.  Instead I chose to stay.  And I’m not sure why, other than the voice in my head telling me I couldn’t do it.  And I hate that I thought that way about myself. 

And I won’t lie, sometimes I think about how I could be hiking the mountains in Utah and how different my life could have been. I can’t answer if I regret my decision in not trying and I can’t answer if that was even what I wanted to do.

I haven’t touched my hiking boots or anything outdoor related in almost 2 years.  Something I once loved has now become something I just stopped completely, even for leisure because I thought I wasn’t good enough.  To be honest I’m not sure where to go from here or what I’m supposed to do.  It’s still something I think about.  For now, the best thing I can do is slip back on those boots, tie up those laces and see where it leads me.   

What I do know is that there have been a lot of great things that have happened since I have chosen to stay, like falling in love with Phil, starting a blog, being interested in pet photography, watching my niece and nephew grow, and traveling.  And I’m not sure how what was originally intended for a weekend recap turned into this but that’s what’s so great about this space of mine.

Has anyone else felt similar?