At A Low.

I've completely neglected this blog of mine.  To be honest, lately it just seems so hard.  I can't seem to find any words to fill the page and haven't felt inspired by anything.  I've been keeping a secret but I just can't hold it in anymore and I'm just hoping that letting it out will help get me out of this crummy funk.  
I lost my job. 
Yup.  I lost my job that I was so excited for because I would no longer have to spend two hours in the car anymore.  I got home before 4:30, which gave me oodles and oodles of time to play on week nights.  It was a job I didn't feel so drained after.  It wasn't my dream job or anything that gave me fireworks but it was working for the time being.
This said job is now gone.  And it's not just gone for me, its gone for 140 employees supporting themselves and their families.  It just makes me all sorts of sad. The company that I only worked at for a month and a half just suddenly closed it's doors for financial reasons.  It was a complete shock for everyone and the community because it provided many jobs for the county.
Losing a job has its perks and all but it isn't all that it's cracked up to be.  I've been beating myself up over it and I don't know why since it wasn't like I got fired or anything but for some reason I still feel like a total loser.  It's a good day when I shower and it's a even better day when I put make up on and walk out of the house.  I'm frustrated, discouraged and depressed.  Though, I'm slowly coming out of my depression thanks to friends and family I'm still not myself.  I'm frustrated and discouraged because finding a job in this town that I live in is not easy, especially finding one that is decent paying.  
On the upside I've been getting to spend lots of quality time with my pups and they love having their mom home.  And when I feel like getting off the couch or take a break from looking/applying for jobs I get some things done around the house that I have been too busy to do in the past. 

Among everything else this weekend I also lost my Grandma Ginna.  Ginna is my mom's partners mother.  She's been very good to me and am so happy I was able to spend time with her.  I went back to upstate New York right before I lost my job and I was able to see her and say goodbye.  She was declining quickly at the time and we all weren't sure how much time she had.  At first she didn't know who I was but by the end of it she grabbed by hand and held it tight and told me she loved me.  I knew then that realized who I was and it just was one of those special moments. It's never easy to say goodbye to anyone but the only thing that makes it all better is knowing that she is no longer suffering and is in her happy place.  Love you Ginna.
So thanks for those that have stuck around these blog of mine even though I've been completely MIA.  I'm hoping to make more of an effort to write and to get out of the house and feel human again. xoxo