When You Don't Feel Good Enough

I live for the weekends.  Typically my mood changes once it hits 9:30pm on a Sunday and I realize that I have to get up in the morning to do that thing they call work.  Needless to say, I’m not happy to be at that work thing right now.  Maybe it’s because I haven’t found the thing in life that makes me happy and where I don’t mind getting up in the mornings, spending my day at a job that I’m so passionate about.  I work because I have to pay my bills.   I wish it wasn’t this way.  I’m always reminding myself that life is shorter than we think and I want to spend my time doing things I love.  I just don’t know what that is.  I never wanted to be one of those people that worked a 9-5, sitting at a desk all day, in front of a computer, and that is exactly what I’m doing.

Since I was little I’ve been this way.  I would start something or try something new and I always, always would end up quitting because I’m like ehhh I don’t love this.  First it was piano, than the clarinet, then the flute (which was the worst), I even tried singing (this I do enjoy but unfortunately my voice doesn’t sound like an angel more like something that would come out of a donkey). I’ve tried the sports thing including running, basketball, softball, and cheerleading.  I love to cook and in high school I went to culinary arts classes and took a job working alongside a chef for years.  I soon realized that it wasn’t something I wanted to do for a living.  Now what?  I love to travel so I tried the Travel and Tourism Industry in college.  I did very well and even was getting 4.0’s for grades.  But as I got closer to deciding which path I wanted to go, I never had the “this is it” moment. 

I wasn’t going to waste any more time in pursing something I didn’t see myself doing.  The next step was to transfer.  I’ve always loved the outdoors.  I spent my childhood camping, attended summer camps, was part of an Outdoor Club in HS and just always have loved the nature and found it to be peaceful.  My mind was thinking, yes this could be it Meghan.  This could be your thing.  But to be honest as much as I loved it I wasn’t doing that well in my classes.  I don’t’ classify myself as a shy person but put me in front of my peers and I can’t remember my flippin name.  A big part of Outdoor Recreation and Leadership is teaching others and speaking in front of trip groups etc.  On top of being so nervous about speaking in front of groups I was having trouble keeping up with the work load. 

School work has never come easy for me and I worked very hard to get the grades that I did.  I was so concerned with graduating on time.   I should have taken less classes to actually learn what I needed to do and take the extra time that I needed so that I understood everything.  Instead I just rushed and tried to memorize things for tests but I wasn’t grasping the whole picture of everything.  I graduated but I wasn’t pleased with myself because I feel like I didn’t take advantage of my education. 

My plan had been to intern in Indiana and make my way out west teaching at risk youths outdoor skills.  I’ve always enjoyed helping others and I’m a big believer in these programs.  Sure, I ended up meeting a guy out here and staying but if I really wanted to do the out west plan I would have because he had the same degree and interest.  But you know what, I was scared as hell.  Scared that I wasn’t good enough and that I wasn’t going to succeed.   I had zero confidence in myself and I straight up gave up.  I even had an opportunity to go to Alaska to become a Park Ranger but I didn’t take it.  I broke up with the boyfriend at the time and this could have been the perfect window to again pursue my dream of going out west.  I had nothing holding me back.  Instead I chose to stay.  And I’m not sure why, other than the voice in my head telling me I couldn’t do it.  And I hate that I thought that way about myself. 

And I won’t lie, sometimes I think about how I could be hiking the mountains in Utah and how different my life could have been. I can’t answer if I regret my decision in not trying and I can’t answer if that was even what I wanted to do.

I haven’t touched my hiking boots or anything outdoor related in almost 2 years.  Something I once loved has now become something I just stopped completely, even for leisure because I thought I wasn’t good enough.  To be honest I’m not sure where to go from here or what I’m supposed to do.  It’s still something I think about.  For now, the best thing I can do is slip back on those boots, tie up those laces and see where it leads me.   

What I do know is that there have been a lot of great things that have happened since I have chosen to stay, like falling in love with Phil, starting a blog, being interested in pet photography, watching my niece and nephew grow, and traveling.  And I’m not sure how what was originally intended for a weekend recap turned into this but that’s what’s so great about this space of mine.

Has anyone else felt similar?

Elephants

This post is way old but for some reason it never made it out of my drafts (5-4-14).  I HAVE to share about it because I got to spend time with some of my favorite things ever, My mom, niece & nephew, friends, the bf and ELEPHANTS!  
It was a rather busy weekend but Friday I had the opportunity to sit on my porch and have a glass, err a mean a few glasses of wine.   It was nice to not have anything to do especially with the busy weekend ahead.  I love that it's finally starting to get warmer, it just makes my heart happy.  Phil was on his way back from Arizona so it was just me,  the pups and my bottle of Moscato.  

Saturday was the day I got to play with the elephants! :)  Phil and I headed down to Indy to spend the day with my Mom, Martha, my brother Liam and his family at the Indianapolis Zoo.  It was such a gorgeous day, actually almost too gorgeous because everyone and their cousin were at the zoo.  It was a mad house.  It was all totally worth it though because the kids had so much fun AND they had beer.  

(Martha, Me, Mom)  And apparently like mother like daughter because look at our stance.

Unfortunately we couldn't stay with them all day and we had to say our buhh byeeees.  The good news was that Phil's half sister had her baby the night before.  We went home, changed, took some snaps and headed over to the hospital.  We dress up to go to the hospital.  Do you not do that?

Just kidding we put our fancy clothes on because we were going to a Live Auction and needed to leave right from the hospital.  The auction ended up being a lot of fun.  Phil and I ended up leaving with a new mountain bike, a wine making experience, and a facial (that's for me).  This was also when still was still using his cane....SMH.

The next morning we were all in rough shape, particularly Phil, as I had to chase him down around town in his bike trying to get him back in the car.  Yea it was that kind of night.  Sunday I brought Dragon (Mouse doesn't do well in social settings) over to Lindsay's for a play date/recovery day and ate lots of food including my fav of all fav's Spinach and Artichoke Dip. We were pretty lazy but we did manage to get a few games of Ticket to Ride in.

May Reflections

How is it June 2^nd already?  But, seriously.  I’ve already got so many fun things planned for this summer that I know it’s going to fly by faster than the Rapper NoClue can rap a song.  Yea, so I actually looked that up but NoClue was the fastest rapper in 2005 just FYI.  Anyways, moving along from the useless trivia and back to the summer, which will be over faster than I can blink, I like to stop and smell the lavender (not a fan of roses).  

I think it’s good to stop and reflect on what you have been doing and no I’m not talking about dwelling on the past.  Sometimes things happen so fast that you don’t realize that it’s even happening or you forget to actually enjoy it.  At the end of the month I like to look back, usually at pictures and go over the previous month.  I spend a few minutes going over all the things that I accomplished that month and I am 99 percent of the time smiling and say “damn that was a good month, I really am grateful.”  Then I spend that 1 percent going over what was not so good and trying to figure out a plan of how I can improve on that.  I’m human, I make mistakes and my life is not perfect so there is always room for me to be better and try harder.

I’ll start with the things that I noticed could use some improvement:

1.  Communication, particularly with the boyfriend.  I tend to be one of those people that lets things go and then all those things get built up and I blow up like a damn firework on the fourth of July.    And so yea that happened and it was not cute. 

2.  Eating habits.  As in I eat too much.  I need the portion police to keep track of my food intake because it’s gotten way out of hand.  I’ve already been working on this one though and hope to further improve on this one.  

All Things Amazing in May:
1.  Erin and I surprised our best friend in Washington D.C.  The weekend was spent picking up right were we left off.  It was a quick trip and a long ass drive but I couldn't have had a better time with these too.  Sometimes you just need some quality time with your ladies.  

2.  Phil happened to be in D.C. for a business trip so we all brunched it up and had the best time drinking and eating way to much, playing Never Have I Ever, reminiscing about old times and non stop laughing.

3.  Went on my first Blate with Melissa.  We spent the day in Indy brunching, drinking mimosas, shopping, and eating/drinking more at Cheesecake Factory.  Seriously I couldn't have had a better first Blate. All the details are here if you want to find out more on my First Blate.

4.  Spent an afternoon with my goofy niece and nephew.  They are so fun to hang out with and they are just the cutest things ever.  We watched Frozen, goofed around and had dinner.  I miss them now.  

5.  Phil got Dragon a new collar and she loves it.  She told me so because it brings out the yellow in her eyes.  Don't worry I'm only a mild dog crazy lady. 

6.  Started running on my lunches 2 days a week.  This month I finally stepped up my game for working out.  I have to work extra hard to get the weight off and keep it off because of my thyroid issue.  It's frustrating for me because it's been a slow process but I am really trying and working extra hard to feel good.  It's so nice to get outside during the day and I feel so much better getting some activity in during the day.  Now after work on those two days I only spend 20-30 minutes after work at the gym lifting and doing ab work.  It's great coming home earlier to eat at a decent time.

8.  Went for a convertible ride with the bf and had a fun evening with our neighbors and friends. It ended up being a random night but the two of us had so much fun.  I might have had one too many glasses of wine though because my chatter box wouldn't shut off.

9.  Spent my first day of the season by the pool with the bf and friends which ended in a BBQ and bonfire.

10.  Had a fabulous day out on Lake Tippecanoe with the above friends.  You can't have a bad time when you are on the lake with beer, friends and a camera.  

11.  Last Friday as in the 30th the boyfriend and I had a date night.  Our plan was to go down in Indy and have dinner at Seasons 52 but we made a pit stop at Bonge's Tavern.  We have been wanting to check that place out for a while and decided to see what it was all about.  We ended up tailgating outside, eating dinner and meeting some great new folks. Our new friends invited us over and sat on the porch in rocking chairs telling stories.  It was such a random/unexpected night and it was perfect.  My cheetah heels were not appropriate though and I looked way out of place. So don't wear heels, unless you want to fall on your ass walking on the rocks.  

12.  To end May on an awesome note I got a hair trim and hung out with my girl Melissa!  We had lunch and Margaritas then spent the rest of the day poolside!  Seriously, I have so much fun with this girl and I feel like I have known her for way longer than I actually have.  Not to mention she just might be the most thoughtful person I have met.  For a late birthday present she got me an Elephant print and I can't wait to hang it up.  She even sent me some snail mail that I got when I got back home, which I haven't received in about 10 years unless you're my mom, HI MOM! So yea she's pretty much the shit! :)

It's been real May now I'm ready for what June will bring!  What were some of your favorite things in May?